Raucous Ramblings
The mosquitoes are eating me alive out here. SOT (Save Our Toes).
I am in Greece. In Chios. In the village. I can count 9 mosquito bites on my right foot and 8 on my left. And this is FOOT that we're talking about, not even leg. I went and saw a movie outdoors yesterday which is where I think most of these bites are from. Granted I literally do nothing to stop them from biting me (no bug spray I hate smelling like bug spray) so I think I'm asking for it.
I am going to be in Madrid in less than a month. AHHHHHH. that's so crazy. I'm so excited. its gonna be awesome. I just wish the scum of the earth wasn't going to be there but I'll persevere. I just have to cool my anger and think happy happy thoughts.
I've been social anxious recently??? what the fuck is up with that??? I've always made fun of the socially anxious but for the last few months I've been... insecure??? what the fuck???? me?? why??? well I know why but. not for blog. anyways where I wanted to get at was: fuck if I need a therapist, I can therapize myself out of dumb bullshit like this. for example... I think about some social interaction I had and a wave of embarrassment washes over me, its so bad I have to release a sound. right after that happens I tell myself there's no reason to be doin all that, the way I acted was completely normal and its already happened, I cant change anything about that interaction and again, there's no reason for me to be embarassed what I did was literally so chill its fine chill out. I think in a month I'll be cured. I'm already doing better ever since I started being my own angel on my shoulder. I think maybe the next step in my angel journey will be to be nicer to myself and also maybe to other people? idk we'll see, I just have to get over this social anxiety bullshit its so dumb.
the next person to see me naked will be in for a tanline treat
been at the beach almost every day since I got to Chios. today is actually the first day I haven't gone to the beach so I'm sitting here writing this blog. the reason for this is as follows: my mom and I were invited for lunch with my family who was grilling and the food was good but we got there at like 2:30 and I don't like going to the beach early (primarily because I am not awake but also because its so damn hot and returning from the beach in the scorching sun defeats the whole purpose of the beach for me. also, today is the mastiha (mastic) festival and my village is hosting it this year and it starts at 7:30 so if we went to the beach late and returned after the sun has gone down then we would experience hell trying to find parking so no thanks. my mom went to the beach in the morn but I was fast asleep.
I love the beach. when I am at home and have nothing to do I am so bored and will default to going on my phone and playing hay day and minesweeper. however, when I am at the beach, i don't touch my phone, sometimes I don't even touch my book. I can sit and stare and look and observe nothing for hours its awesome. I can turn my brain off for once. that is unless we go to a crowded beach and there are people yelling and talking loud and having annoying conversations. yesterday we went to komi and there was a group of teenage/young adult Greek american boys (and one girl) and they kept dropping the n word and faggot and their conversations were so fucking obnoxious and annoying oh my god my mom and I were shit-whispering about them the whole time. they def brought my beach expericene down a few notches but then I watched a movie at an outdoor cinema right next to the beach and that was awesome so I was reset. the movie itself left more to be desired but I was happy to finally watch a movie.
I tried watching elvira mistress of the dark the other day through my movie pirating websites but despite the fact that we got a new wifi this year that works really well I only got through 20 minutes of the movie before it stopped working unfortunately
without instagram i feel free. wihtout intragram i beel tree.
I am so glad I deactivated instram. it has only slightly inconvenienced me but hey that's worth it for being sane in the head. it got to the point where I would open Instagram.com and I would immediately get anxious. I was thinking I'll reactivate once I get to Madrid cuz everyone's gonna be eager to get everyone's intergrans but now idk I'm liking the peace and serenity of not knowing what's happening with people thousands of miles away from me. its crazy tho when I first deactivated I literally had withdrawals. I had urges to open Instagram that I had to fight down every day it was insane. having posted about deactivating publicly def helped cuz I had that accountability of damn I JUST made a whole big deal about deactivating and now I'm thinking of reactivating? pussy shit. never reactivated tho! hey im one step closer to eventually beating the phone addiction.
However, I am not without my vices. to get my social media fix I've been scouring...
you're not gonna like it,...
let....
le.......
..... l
letter.....
b
....
letterbox..
letterboxd...
ugh I know I know. if we follow each other on letterboxd just know i've been intensely looking at every single movie you've watched, every review you've liked, every movie you've put on your watchlist. nobody is safe. ugh and it sucks I've been adding so many movies into my lists but I cant watch them cuz the wifi doesn't allow it! woe is truly me!
lol follow me on letterboxd I'm pretty entertaining on there: @konstantuba, I've brandded myself I am everying konstantuba.
the they them urge to have someones mouth on my mouth right now.
this is a non sequitur but does anyone else every get that urge to kiss someone. literally not even anyone in particular, just the act of kissing. god inceldom is getting to me...
out of curiosity I downloaded hinge and tinder here. I ran through everyone on tinder nobody on there for me here and the only people that show up on my hinge are people in turkey! specifically Izmir. chios is very close so it makes sense and lowk some of these Turks are hot. hinge is deleted but I am going to Izmir on monday (finally! for years ive been saying I want to go to turkey but its never happened but the tickets are booked and its just gonna be a day trip but I'm excited) and hey who knows maybe I find some queer and get a lil fix... nah I'll fantasize but I dont have the balls and also ill be with my mom.
oh my god there is this beautiful woman who is apparenlty living in the village and she has this photography exhibition up at the old school building and I want to go see it and maybe she'll be there for the mastiha festival. I don't even know what I would say to her. that's a lie I've thought about it multiple times. but when the moment reveals itself to me I know my balls will be tucked away, shrivelled in fear.
trust in Madrid I will have balls and they will be to the walls.
what kind of person would i be if i put castration movie in my top 4 on letterboxd. what does that reflect about me and am i ok with that...
- I read closer and frisk by dennis cooper. I don't have the 3rd book but I do have the 4th book but I don't wanna read the 4th without having read the third. I searched all of Athens for dennis cooper to no avail so now I'm banking on some queer bookstore in Madrid which there are plenty of.
- I started reading the re in refugee which I got for free cuz I rsvped to a book talk the author was gonna give about it thru NYU but it ended up being cancelled but I still got a book but then I realized if I read it in Greece then I would only have 1 book to bring to Madrid with me (the 4th book in the George miles series) so I paused it and ...
- have begun reading this one book that I have been trying to get through for years. I leave it in Greece every year so I only read it when im in Chios and I'm hoping this year I'll finally finish it. I have 150ish pages left and I'm here until the 21st so I think that's def doable. oh btw the book is a combo of two novels by E. F. Benson, Queen Lucia (1920) and Miss Mapp (1922). I got it from ditmars thrift cuz I liked the cover. I always judge books by their cover, sue me!
- I also have this one Greek book in my collection. have only read a few pages of it but I'm gonna bring it with me to Madrid to hopefully practice my greek. lets see if that actually happens... lets have hope! the book is downstairs and I forgot the title but its about a roommate, that's all I can give you
- I'm not even gonna talk about this cuz I have it all on my letterboxd.
- the movie I watched yesterday at the outdoor theater was Romería, a Spanish movie that came out last year.
- I've been on the lookout (passively) for short films on YouTube. I get my movie fix partially.
- I haven't bought Netflix for a month like I have in past years so I'll just be movie-deprived this month...
- I'm not watching any tv. no free hbomax means no tv. been watching YouTube instead every now and then
- these past few days I've been listening to the felo punk YouTube channel, I've found some gems in there. when I find something I like I download it on my app that downloads yt videos and then I have it there boom . I think I need to do some reorganizing on there. I have music downloaded on there from years ago that I frankly don't listen to anymore but I keep for the sake of having something to listen to. lameee
- I also randomly get snippets of old timey and folk and country songs stuck in my head and then I have to listen to those. the most recent example is the song stormy weather but specifically the version by the Golden Gate Jubilee Quartet
- I just took an earbud out and I'm hearing music from the village square, they are setting up for the festival. right now its 6:03pm. oh speaking of ...
βουνά της χίου πόσο μου λείψατε... as bald as you may be i still love you
since I've gotten here I've gone to one baptism, two panigiria, and now today the mastiha festival.
for the non Greeks asking what a panigiri is... ermmmm here's a website: https://greekcitytimes.com/2026/06/30/why-a-panigiri-is-a-unique-greek-summer-experience-that-should-not-be-missed-3/ one of the top results when I searched for it um its good enough.
the views are orgasmic, here are some. try not to cum in your pants.
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| hello elata chios |
I've been texting people a lot. the time difference makes it hard to call... been thinking a lot about friendship and what that means. I don't have the answers at all. I thought I used to, not anymore. I want to be 30 years old and have this stuff figured out. well, maybe 40 cuz I see the way some of these 30 year olds act (crazy).
ok thats about it from me.
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