Lounging & Lazing

Hi blog

its 2:08 am and I'm listening to acoustic emo and I have a lot on my mind and I miss typing everything out on my blog. 

I don't even know if I'm going to post this. I stopped posting on here for numerous reasons, but primarily because I didn't have enough time for myself in my previous relationship. glad I'm free from that #blessed. Funnily enough I have a draft blog post from July 3rd of last year that I never posted that kinda mentioned this. I could post it posthumously but its a bit weird to have a written receipt of me talking about my ex so positively... on the internet... forever... so I think it will just stay in my drafts. Archival type.

another reason I stopped posting was cuz I got disenchanted with the online-ness of it all. why do I need to be posting details about my life just for it all to be scraped by ai and collected by data brokers to be used to try to sell stuff to me? nobody online neeeeeds to know what I'm up to. I have a journal for a reason. but there's something about typing that's really fun. same reason why I like making my zines online, I like the typing out and I feel like my voice comes out differently. reading out a typed sentence is diff from reading out my journal scribbles. I think I'm just going to post this, but stealth silent mode. no posts on my instantgram story about it, nothing. might mention it to some friends but other than that radio silence. here it goes. 


Right Now

I am sitting on my bed in my room in Astoria. I have bags yet to be unpacked littering my floor. my back is sticking to the postcards and other assorted art I have taped up to my wall years ago. every now and then I itch either my chest or back. I have a bunch of little skin bumps on my back, not exactly pimples, but bumps that I scratch off and sometimes put in my mouth. yum. 

These days in astoria have been filling with various bummings. staying up for no reason, sleeping in, not going outside, and worst of all... being on my iphone. I like school and the schedule it gives me. I am forced to go outside and when i go outside I am on my flip phone, but when I am at home all the time in Astoria I am always with my iphone and I die by way of the scroll. the weather has not helped whatsoever. it has been so hot and humid these past few days, in the 90s constantly, and I was dying. More reason to stay home so I wouldn't have to get dressed and be sweaty. thank god its not going to be as hot now BUT INSTEAD it's going to be raining. I don't know what's worse. I hate the rain but I also hate humidity. all in all a recipe for bumming. 

I think my mom and the older generations are onto something with the phone call. I used to be a serial phone caller but I lost that muscle and I must regain it for my sanity. I keep talking to myself. I've always talked to myself but recently its to the point where I can't sleep because I keep talking to myself. I yearn to talk and speak and I haven't been doing that as much recently due to the aforementioned bumming but I will, I will do it more I promise. 

I have not been searching out new music for a while. I find myself returning to my old playlists, listening to the music I listened to in high school. did I peak in high school? joke, jokeee. I was listening to Richard Hell for the first time in a while, Time is such a good song, though my favorite historically was Betrayal Takes Two. Kate Bush's album The Dreaming? amazeballs. Despite all this, I keep finding myself at a loss for what music I want to listen to. I can't place the itch I have, I don't know what will fill the music void, and that's such an annoying feeling to feel consistently. 

  • I think this is also aided by the fact that I'm not on Spotify anymore. I use this app Demus and hypothetically I can export all my Spotify playlists onto there butttt I havent. spotify's reccomendation algorithm is pretty good, I never realized how often I used the similar artists section to find music that scratched my itches. now I have to try to mentally search for similar artists in my brain catalouge filled with so many years of music listening and music history knowledge but... nothing comes up. it suxxxxx but hey its just a muscle that I'll just have to train. its gonna take a while at first but it will come and it will be awesome. 
    • Speaking of Spotify, I'm currently reading Liz Pelly's book Mood Machine: The Rise of Spotify and the Costs of the Perfect Playlist that I got for free and signed by her when I went to talk she gave about the book at Clive last year. really awesome. It's also cool to see this book being referenced in YouTube video essays about the subject and know that I met the author and asked her questions and she signed my book. #hashtag. 


I'm not using as much fun formatting as I usually do. have I lost my spunk? sometimes I feel like yes. other times I feel like it's coming back. 


oh! its my name day! at the time of writing this (and posting) it is May 21st which is my name day. not going to explain it. iykyk, Greek orthodox rise up. I'm gonna go to dinner with my mom today, but I've been having tummy troubles for the past two days! idk what has been up down there but it hasn't been good. my sleeping and eating has been all out of wack. put my ass back in a schedule, I thrive in routine it seems. without routine I wither away. 

I need to get my drivers license this summer. my mom has been bugging me about it for so many years but I think this year is finally going to be the year that it happens. how hard can it be? not very. I'm a smart cookie I could do it. I might end up eating my words if this plan goes awry but lets hope not!

I love when I speak like that. using funny words and phrases and they're in the right spots and they fit well and they are good. I must cultivate this voice. I've always had it, but lets bring this baby back into the limelight. new zine issue perhaps? I've had some good comments in my notes app recently. oh my notes app, the comeback that it has experienced! I'm so glad. I missed my snarky comments I would make in my "inner thoughts" notes app. I lost them but they are coming back. slowly but surely. 

a recent entry:

if yap is still part of your vocabulary in 2026 i want you dead. 

recently when I'm on the train I write down observations I have of what people are wearing. in my little pocket notebook on May 16th I wrote:

fashion choices on the G

  • woman wearing a gold necklace with the word "ABORTION"
  • couple wearing the same pair of salomon beige sneakers 
  • woman wearing a penny loafers w/ a coin in the slot  

I wont reveal the rest of my comments and observations but dare I say... they're pretty good. you might see them in my next zine issue. 

speaking of zines. before the NYU semester ended I spent the remaining $19 of my print dollars and printed 180 pages of my zines, all issues, more of the last 2 tho. I currently have 5 issues in circulation in the world, I must spread them though... during my travels... oh the convenience and ease of a free printer. one of the few things NYU is good for. 

I want to travel a lot this summer. I am going to Baltimore on Saturday with my mom. I want to go on an upstate trip at some point. I am planning on going to New Hampshire to visit my friend Gus, and my cousin proposed the idea of me coming to Poland and staying with her for like a week but I don't think that's happening. ideally I would have gone at the end of May but.... there's a show I reallllylyyyyylylyllyl wanna go to on may 30th andddd idk the tickets arren't even that cheap and the thought of getting on a plane for that long makes me tired and cramped just thinking about it. 

  • I should brainstorm some more east coast trips I could do. maybe I could go up to canada with my mom. if only I could drive. what other states could I go to? hm. a topic to ponder. 


Usually my blog includes a media section, a section where I talk about what movies, music, and books I've been watching, listening to, and reading. however, I have not been that active about movies and music. In lieu of that, I will talk about books and tv. 

Books
  • I recently finished reading The Colossus of New York by Colson Whitehead. occasionally the 2004-ness of it really shines through but there are also so many parts of it that are so deeply relatable. my fears for how the city will change but also knowing there's not much I can do about it (but I CAN! I CAN do something about it, the future is never up to fate. Colson Whitehead never really seems to acknowledge this though...). I like the way he writes, the wit is lovely and inspiring. I wish to be able to come up with phrases like him. i just grabbed the book, here are some good quotes and phrases:
    • "Rollerblading yuppies burn off brunch. Always some jerk on a unicycle." (39)
    • "And then one bullying highrise pokes its head up west, then another, and a whole gang of them east and suddenly come up with your hands up, you're surrounded." (44)
    • "We are stuck in the tunnel on account of a sick passenger on the train in front of us. Him again, that rheumy bitch" (55) LOVEEE THIS
    • "At the corner he wrestles with a ghost for the soul of his umbrella." (62)
    • One of my favs: "Unable to decide which side of the bed is more comfortable, the windshield wipers toss and turn" (65) SOOOO GOOD
    • "Everybody remembers the city. Some people the city remembers." (80)
    • "Have these mannequins no shame. What are they wearing, what's up with their nipples, and can I get a date. If only there were zoning laws to regulate strange thoughts. Keep them in other neighborhoods. Only after a few blocks is the sadism of the shoe designer evident. Shop in stores for things, shop on the streets for people." (80) I love how he bounces but it never feels out of place. 
    • I could go onnnnn and onnnnn I'm just flipping thru the book and writing down some of the stuff that I've underlined. good stuff. 
  • As I mentioned before, I've started reading Mood Machine: The Rise of Spotify and the Costs of the Perfect Playlist. My only qualm is that its hardcover so it makes my bag weigh a big more :( but its very interesting. back on my nonfiction grind. 
  • at some point I'm gonna have to figure out what books to bring with me to Greece and thus madrid. I have many-a books in my bookshelf I have yet to read but very few that call out to me. that's a problem for later me. 

TV

with the free HBO max I get from NYU I have available to me my fair share of trash tv. I have not watched the new euphoria episodes, I cant stand waiting sooo I will just be binging once they are all released. I currently have 4 shows on my currenty watching list:

  • The O.C. where I am up to season 4 and it has gone completely haywire. after season 2 ended they upped the melodrama and crazy plotlines and at the end of season 3 they killed off a bitch in the most dramatic way possible it is unbelievable. its funny but its a bit too melodrama for me sometimes so I opt for another option 
  • Looking is a show I go to when I want plot but also its gay and also very messy. It's from 2014 and its based in California so like time capsule. I like watching it, it fills the homo shaped void in my current media intake.  
  • Curb Your Enthusiasm I am up to season 7, the racist jokes make it intolerable certain episodes, Larry David why do you say the n word? I used to watch it a lot more but then the racist jokes got more consistent. I put it on in the background sometimes. Otherwise I have:
  • The Chair Company, where I'm on the second to last episode. it took a few episodes for it to get funny (to me) but now its finally enjoyable. it genuinely used to stress me out. dude, relax, its tim robinson.

I finished watching The Mighty Boosh recently, that's a solidly funny show, minus the racism. There is one episode that is entirely blackface and brownface and it is unbearable to watch. When they aren't doing racist characters its really funny. Love Noel Fielding and the (spiritual) homosexuality of his character, its so crazy that Fielding is a straight man with a wife and kids. 


back to meeee

I've had this cough for the past, week? it hits me at random moments and I think its from allergies or something. I don't think I'm sick I don't feel sick in any other way

have you seen you much pollen there is this year? the other day I was walking and just saw streams of yellow falling from a giant tree. whenever I'm biking I have to keep my eyes in a perpetual squint when the wind kicks up or I'm going under a tree. I wear glasses, you would think they would protect me, but you would think wrong. I've been joking about buying goggles, if this pollen keeps up I think I'll actually have to get a pair...

my left butt cheek is sore in one specific spot. I checked, I don't have a bruise, and I am very confused. it only hurts when I move my leg in a specific way, but i feel it nonetheless. Part of all this lounging about is in order to "heal" the tiredness and pain and soreness that my body perpetually feels recently. my back, oh! my back! I finally have a physical therapy appointment for Tuesday, I'm excited for that! I wish I could snap my fingers and not have to feel bodily pain at all. I need an invincibility potion. Need to meet some witchy chick and she could whip that up for me. 


~~~


aaaand now it is 4:23 am and I think I should go to bed. damn it took me over two hours to write all this out? it always takes so long but I never feel it in the moment. 

the birds are chirping, go to sleep birds! oh Astoria how I missed you. 

I did not talk about many things in my life right now but hey that's for me and my friends to know. this is a blog. ok? ok. 


As is customary, I leave you with a Pinterest image:


Bye blog!